New Years Stuff

I'm not one for boasting on the internet. I make a conscious effort not to complain too much, but I also try to stop myself from being one of those people who only posts amazingly fantabulous things that happen to me all the time. You know, like the people whose profiles you look at that make you depressed about your own life because every day of their lives looks like a fucking cakewalk? Oh! Did you get that job that you always wanted but didn't really need because your parents can support you financially until you die, so you don't have that fear of not being able to pay rent breathing down your neck? Super! What's that? You and the dude you've known for 2 seconds are totally in love and are getting married tomorrow? Fan-fucking-tastic! But I still like their posts anyways because I’m the idiot who believes that's today's version of good karma... And that's the continual bullshit of social media these days. It leaves you feeling shitty for your envy of everyone else's seemingly peachy existence while life is continually kicking you when you're already down. My point is, I think that everyone's life is relatively the same. We all have highs and lows, they just happen at different times for everyone. And we plaster our highs all over Facebook, but lie low when the world is busy tearing us down (anyone? or is that just me?) Point is-- the grass is always greener -- blah blah...blah!
 

Anyways, I like to try to keep my own online persona somewhere between self-deprecating jokester and modestly boastful. That being said, I've had a shitty past couple months, so the following is a list of the positive things that have happened to me and that I've accomplished this past year to remind myself why it's not ok for me lay (lie?) in bed crying all day repeating out loud that life is "stupid bullshit and everything is pointless"... ya know, like a completely sane person...

1) I filmed a short script that I co-wrote -- There was writing, and rewriting, and location scouting, and casting, and prop shopping, and filming! Friendships were made, tempers were overflowing! All-nighters were had! All that good stuff! It was so much fun and totally worth it. 

2) I started working in my industry, aka the entertainment industry, aka THE Industry -- It’s only temp assignments through a temp agency, but I've been able to work at some well-known Production companies and networks. If anything, it looks good for my resume, and is giving me firsthand experience of what the business is like. Maybe someday I'll trick one of those companies into hiring me permanently?!

3) I moved to LA -- I've been living in Southern California for 4 going on 5 years now (wow!), but in the OC. Now I officially have a Los Angeles address. It's a dirty, crowded, disgustingly material oriented city, and those are the good parts of it ;) But it just so happens to be the hub of my chosen career, so I’m slowly learning to accept it, and finding myself in fun situations which usually take me off guard, in a good way.

4) I entered a standup competition and won! It was my first time ever performing standup, I told an embarrassing story, and it was apparently funny enough to win me the $100 first place cash prize. Good thing too, because I needed the money! It also allowed me to book a couple more gigs. It was probably the most nervous I’ve ever been, but at the same time, it was exhilarating and a lot of fun.

5) For the first time, I had a semi-successful relationship with a dude that I liked for awhile -- At the very least it was a fun summer romance. I allowed myself to open up to another human being, have fun, get hurt, and am still alive. It was a shitty situation (but at times really great too) and I can't believe that everyday people all over the world allow themselves to be vulnerable like that and often times get their heart stomped on... but I also realize that this pain is part of being human and that eventually you’ll find someone who isn't going to do all those mean things to you.. at least that's what I'm being told. 

Last day in our Garden Grove house! Bittersweet.

Camping at Joshua Tree

Winning the stand-up competition. 

Looking at Christmas lights in Long Beach :)

I've also met some great friends that have been with me through all the ups and downs this past year has brought. To them, I am eternally grateful because I know I rant... a lot... I truly appreciate everyone who I’ve crossed paths with this year. My only hope is that I can be there for them as much as they've been there for me. It’s been a trying year, but definitely one of my best and I can only hope this year is even better.

Graduation Take 2

5-20-13
I wanted to put this post out a few weeks late because I didn’t want to make graduation weekend about myself. Of course, I procrastinated, and here we are, an entire month after the fact.. Anyway, a few of my friends graduated from Chapman University this year, and I wanted to let them enjoy that experience because it’s one of the very few days in a person’s life that truly should be all about them.That being said, I found myself feeling very reflective the weekend of May 17^th-19th because it had been one year since my own college graduation.  

I found it strange to think that I haven’t been a student for an entire year because it was all I knew for most of my life. I have to admit, it was one of the most trying times of my life and even though everyone had warned me about it, I thought that I was immune to the strain of adjusting to post-graduate life. And even as I write this post now, I can’t help but feel like I’m whining about life, which is why I haven’t posted in such a long time. I didn’t quite know how to describe what I was going through without feeling guilty. It’s not like I went on a tour of duty and am now trying to readjust to civilian life. I have my health, my money problems aren’t that desperate (besides tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt, but even that’s not that bad), my friends and family are in relatively good health, and yet here I was feeling depressed that life still wasn’t going the way I thought it would. That’s not to say I didn’t have actual problems: I haven’t had permanent or steady work this past year; I was let go from my long term temp job about a week before Christmas; I lost my phone; My purse (along with my SS card) was stolen. Shit happened and I really didn’t like it.

I seriously thought I’d be completely fine adjusting to not being a student. Since I’ve always worked while in college with minimal financial help from my parents (although ample moral support) I’ve always felt like an adult. How different could it be now? I thought I’d be doing the same thing, except now I wouldn’t have to go to class. One less thing to do. However, I didn’t realize how many hours I actually spent being a student not just in class. Take away all that and I’ve got a lot more time on my hands that I had to learn to use more constructively because when I don’t use my time constructively, I feel useless, which makes me feel depressed. Then it’s like a vicious cycle trying to get out of that frame of mind. Oh, and I love it when people think that because I’m an unemployed writer, that means I have all the time in the world to write…. WRONG. At the beginning of a writer’s career, writing doesn’t always pay, and when it does, the jobs are usually far and few in between. How am I supposed to be creative and spend hours working on my craft when I have to think about where my next paycheck is coming from? The answer is: do it anyway. And I’m still working that out.

All in all, the weekend at hand was the best one I’ve had in a long time. Watching my friends graduate was a blast. I think it’s just that in that setting, everyone is so happy and in the mood to celebrate that you can’t help but feel great. That Sunday I went hiking with some friends in Azusa, and that’s what really made me appreciate this time in my life. I forgot how long it had been since I’d seen some nature and I realized how much I missed it and how relaxing it is for me. I also realized how grateful I was to have met this group of people that I was hiking with. If I hadn’t gone through all the bullshit that I’d gone through in the past year, I never would have met them and ended up having the great times we’ve had so far. It also reminded me that I need to stop and just enjoy life in the moment. Most people spend too much time worrying about life instead of living it, and I don’t want to be one of those people. I want to be happy, and I am. Sometimes I just need a little reminder.

An Update on My Semi-Boring Life

Side note: I hope the title of this doesn’t need a “part 1” attached to it…

Anyways, sorry again for being a shitty blogger. I figure I owe you peeps another explanation for my absence from cyberspace. After three horrible months of being unemployed I’ve finally got a job (which I’ve had since October). What’s that you say? Didn’t I have time to write some blog entries while being unemployed for three months? No, no I didn’t have enough time to write some entries for my blog during the three months I spent not working and watching reruns of Golden Girls and the Martha Stuart Show. Jeez! I may have been unemployed, but I had a life!

Actually I spent those three months looking for work, blowing through my savings, and being paralyzed by the fear that is the post-college graduate world.  I was also taking really great care of my 7-year-old chocolate lab Max. Yeah, he’s the one you’ve seen about a billions pictures of on instagram and facebook because I have no life. Truthfully, having Max here with me during my bout of pitiful depression was very therapeutic. Taking care of him kept me from beating myself up too much.  But with some luck, right timing, and with the help of a friend, I secured a temporary job at Girl Scouts of Orange County. That’s right, I’m a Product Sales Assistant. Which basically means I help the Product Sales department with paperwork from their Nut and Cookies Sale! Yes, I know where they keep extra boxes of cookies. No, I’m not allowed to give them too you. Sorry.

I actually like my job. I’m making more money per hour than I used to, which is nice, and my coworkers are pretty awesome. The only mishap I’ve made is getting my finger caught between the freight elevator door and the little space it retracts up into. It took a nice little chunk of my finger with it and I had to fill out a lot of paperwork. I was mostly just embarrassed that I let a freight elevator almost eat my hand. But other than all that, I’m enjoying my time there. I know I’ve got it until the end of March (Cookie season!) and after that, I’m planning on making the trek up to LA to continue chasing the dream. Another terrifying bridge to cross when I get there, but it’s also an exciting thought. I’m still doing rewrites on a script that is technically in Development with a couple of my friends and myself.

So that’s basically all that’s been going on with me lately. I’m still trying to save money for a trip to somewhere/anywhere I haven’t been. Oh! And I’m taking scuba lessons this month! So, that’s another cool thing to look forward to. And I hope to blog more! So, keep looking out for more of my entries!

Peace out! 

I Is a College Graduate!

Well, peeps…  The rumors are true. As of Saturday, May 19^th, 2012 I earned a B.A. in Screenwriting from Chapman University’s Dodge College of Film and Media Arts. I have to say, this last year of college has been an amazing one for me. I’ve developed some close friendships with some awesome people. I was lucky enough to end up with probably the best roommates ever. I’m sad to have moved out so soon, but I’ll be keeping in touch with them. I participated in my first and last Undie Run. I feel like I’ve grown and matured as a person and young woman. Now I’m working and saving as much money as I can for one big trip. Either a roadtrip, or a trip abroad. Maybe even both if I can swing it. I’m happy with my life, where it’s going, and the people in it. I’ll continue writing, and working my scripts. And once I’ve eased my travel bug, I’ll be settling into an entry level job in the industry. But before I get to my all my future plans, let me start with my Graduation experience.

It's hard to explain what's happening here...

It’s hard to believe that only 3 years ago, I was just finishing up my freshman year of college, and wondering how the hell I was going to pay to go to Chapman. The Me three years ago would’ve freaked the fuck out at the thought of graduating college. The sheer uncertainty of it all scared me and on some level still does, but not nearly as much as things like that used to.  In fact, I dealt with the scary reality of graduating from college like any other normal college kid: sheer denial.

The weeks, days, and hours preceding commencement I spent freakishly calm. When my family got into town and constantly asked me how I was feeling, I could honestly say, “Eh, okay, I guess.” The days before graduation seemed normal to me because I was too busy working and finishing up my scripts. For some reason it was not registering that I was about to experience such an important event in my life. I guess I just thought that if I didn’t think about it, it wasn’t real. And that scenario worked up until the very last second before I was about to walk across the stage.

And I have to say, the people I sat next to during Graduation were the best people to share that experience with. It was such a monumental time in our lives, and we all sat there just joking and freaking out together, sipping flavored vodka from a water bottle that someone had in their pocket under their gown; all on the same page, all excited and terrified at the same time. Look at me, going on like we served in a war together or something. I guess in a way we did. We experienced college together, shared the good and bad times. It’s been  surreal, and this is just the beginning.  

We badass...

Now, graduation day itself probably couldn’t have gone better. My family from both sides came down, and there were no fights between them. My best friends that I’ve known for over 10 years came down to watch me graduate, and I love them so much for coming out to support me. We went out to dinner after commencement, and had a great time. Then my family went back to their hotels to let us kids enjoy ourselves. That’s right, we boozed it up like most college grads that night. My two goals for that night were to get really drunk and not puke. Guess what? Mission accomplished! I spent that night drinking and talking with my best friends from home, and a few of my close friends from Chapman. It was a great night, and more pictures probably should’ve been taken. While I’ve managed to remain almost disgustingly calm and relaxed about this frightening new chapter in my life, some of my friends have unfortunately succumbed to the fear that comes with new uncertainties that come after college graduation.

I sympathize with my friends who feel like this. I expected to feel like this, but for some reason I’ve been able to remain calm. Maybe it’s because I know it’s all going to work out. I have the same fear of failure driving me, but at the same time, I know that life goes on, and there’s no use worrying about things when I’m doing everything I can to succeed. I’m actually excited about all the new things I can experience now that I’m not tied to school work all year. I want to travel, see new places before I settle down into a job. Well, I know I have to actually look for a job to settle into, because I too know the difficulties in finding a job, let alone one in the entertainment industry. I have tens of thousands of dollars’ worth of student loans looming over my head that go into payment in December. That scares the shit out of me most of all, but again, I’ll deal with that when I get to it.

 So I hope that my scared friends realize that we’re still all in the trenches together, but we can enjoy these supposed awful times as we work our ways to the top. I hope my terrified colleagues take some time to be young, experience new and fun things, and just relax before we all become successful industry people with no time to relax. Take some time to pamper yourselves. After all, we just completed our four year degrees. At times, it was easy as pie, but there were also those times where we thought we’d never be able to finish that paper or script in order to pass that class. So let’s celebrate! I believe we deserve at least this one last summer to live it up. So cheers to all my graduates of 2012! I love you all, and I hope you all have an amazing summer! 

Cue: Alice Cooper’s School’s Out.

Last Spring Semester... Ever...

Let the Meltdowns begin...

Wow, I’ve really got to stay on top of these blog posts. I’m in my 6^th week of my last spring semester ever… I meant to write this blog on the first week because it probably would’ve been more poignant but, eh, whatever. So let’s rewind back to that first week and I’ll tell you what was going on.

During my first week of spring semester, I had a little too much time on my hands. Class wasn’t in full swing yet, so I had too much free time to stop and think about all the scary stuff that comes with graduating. My mind would race and I’d think: where am I going to live? Will I get a job in my field? Will I get a regular, bullshit job that allows me to house, clothe, and feed myself? You know, the usual. So by day two I’d already had a meltdown.

Now, I knew it was coming, and I’d tried to combat the stressful meltdown by going to the gym. Running like a tired fatty really does help relieve stress. Why can’t I convince my body to get addicted to healthy things like that? Anyways, it didn’t work and I burst into pitiful tears while on the phone with my dad. He did his best to console me, which pretty much worked, but I just needed to cry this out. I figured that since I was so busy in January with my interterm class, I put off thinking about all the scary school stuff until my schedule was a little lighter and I had the time, unfortunately, to think about it. So as helpful as my father’s words were, my stress-o-meter was full and the only way to relieve a full tank like that is to just cry it out. I told him that I’d be fine and I got off the phone with him. 

About ten minutes later, my mom called me and asked me what was wrong. This only caused more tears from me as I tried to explain that I knew I was worrying about things that I didn’t exactly have control over right now, but that I needed to cry about them anyway. So I got off the phone with her, again, saying that I’d be fine., but I was really planning on crying a little bit more in peace in my room. I could tell that I was probably almost done, and I was glad to have some me-time for a second. I got about five more minutes of crying me-time when Megan, my best friend from back home, skype-called me.

We spent a couple minutes trying to get her computer microphone to work, but to no avail. Finally, she ended up calling me on her cell and leaving the skype video on. BAM! Skype call in progress. She started by saying, “So how ya doin?” Like an idiot, I tried to pretend I hadn’t just spent a good twenty minutes crying. I responded “oh, fine.” And she said “Liar.” That is why I love her… That made me laugh and I went into my worries and stuff and how I knew they were irrational seeing as the only thing I could do right now is finish school and take it from there. I don’t even remember what she said to me because I’m a horrible blogger and didn’t write about it as soon as it happened, but all I know is that she consoled me and we spent a good hour talking about other things that made us both laugh. The only reason we had to stop our conversation is because I had to go to my tutoring job.

I can’t even explain what it meant to have Meg call me like that and get me in a better mood. I don’t have any siblings, but she and I are as close as it gets without being blood related. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say we’re even closer than real sisters because we’re not blood related. We don’t have to put up with each other, and console one another, but we do. I think she even understood my situation better than my parents did because she has similar fears, as does everyone our age. Since she had a better idea of what was going on, she was able to get me out of my funk for the rest of the day. I went to my tutoring job after I hung up with Meg, and even those little crazy brats made me feel better. I had fun, and didn’t think about my own bullshit for awhile.

So now I’m almost halfway through the semester and I’m feeling much better. I’m still terrified, and excited at the same time, but I’m waaay more busy with scripts and school work, as I should be. As long as I’m working on things that will ensure my future success, there’s no reason for me to worry about the little things that I can’t control right now. I’ve been telling myself that everything will fall into place and work itself out because it usually does, and as a result I’ve been a much happier person. Even though I’m not technically a full time student, between my 2 on campus jobs, my internship, and the minimum of three scripts that I’m working on, I’m still just as busy as I was last semester—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m still going to the gym to keep my stress at bay, and that too has had some positive effects on my attitude. I’m still excited and terrified of what these next couple of months will bring, but I’m mostly excited. And it comforts me to know that 95% of the people my age are worried about the same things. We’re all in it together, and we’re all going to be ok.

Again with the sappy post, but, hey, that’s the kinda gal I am. J

Happy Holidays and New Year Adventures

Here it is, my first blog of the New Year. I made it past my last fall semester of college! I ended up with a 3.8 GPA which is probably the highest my GPA has been since high school. Yes, I’m over here patting myself on the back. Maybe I should get to the real point of this post…

I don’t know about the rest of you, but January for me is usually pretty depressing. I’m not sure what it is. I love the feeling that Christmastime brings. Schoolwork is over, and I get to visit all my friends and family back home. Not to mention my son. That’s right. I’m the proud mother of a 6-year-old named Max. While I’m away at college, my parents share custody of him. I miss him terribly while I’m at school. Here’s a picture of him dressed as a Christmas jester.

He's so purdy!

But once again, I digress. The point is: I get very happy in December, and I guess January ends up feeling miserable because of all the hype of Christmastime and seems to end too abruptly for me. But I guess this year kind of came with a lot of firsts and lasts that’s made me a little more nostalgic than usual.

For instance, this was the first time I was able to drink at my family functions. It was also my first Christmas with the newest addition to our family. He’s my second cousin, and his name is Marcus. Incidentally, it was Marcus’ first Christmas ever, and he too dipped into the alcohol… he was teething, so we rubbed some Jack Daniels on his gums.

Here we are both a lil tipsy.

This was also the first Christmas my grandma on my mom's side spent with us in about five years. She's become sort of a recluse these past few years, and I'm not sure why. Christmas Day we went to her house. It was a small function: just me, my mom, grandma, my uncle and his wife and son. The food was delicious-- she makes the best spaghetti! The family got along pretty well too, until my 4 year old cousin got mad and didn't want to show me his Nintendo 3DS because he thought I was going to steal it... Really, kid? I don't want your DS. I have a car!

Unfortunately, this was the last Christmas that I’d come home on a break from school for two weeks. Not too traumatic, but strange to think about. Even worse, it was also probably the last Christmas we’d be spending at my grandparents’ house. That place is very close to my heart because they’ve lived there longer than I’ve been alive and it’s the only permanent home I’ve ever known. They’re trying to sell it because they’re getting older and need to move closer to town so they can get around easier. But at least we had a great time as a family on Christmas Eve. The only thing I missed is that we didn’t get to build a fire in our fireplace while I was home. Mostly because it wasn’t really cold enough to build a fire. Which is strange because it’s winter! Where the hell is winter?

After Christmas, I was ready to ring in the New Year, but I got sick the whole last week of break. By New Years Eve I didn’t have a voice. So I didn’t speak all day and drank plenty of water so I’d be able to party that night. It worked and by 9pm I was at my best friend Megan’s house ready to drink, which I did plenty of. I also danced—a lot. So much that I was sore the next day just from getting my dance on. Ahh, good times. Even though we didn’t go out, it ended up being one of the best new years of my life. Here’s a sample of that night.

Why did she need a helmet? You don't even want to know...

Me and Meg also recorded a video on my phone that night. I found it on my phone two days later, and I only vaugely remember saying half the things I said on that video. That's a sign it was a good night :)

Also with the New Year is the fact that I’m about to start a new chapter in my life. I’m graduating this May and will be starting my career in the entertainment industry as I attempt to be a TV writer. I’ll be moving from Orange to LA. I’m in the midst of independently producing a feature film that I wrote last year (still in rewrites).  A couple of my friends that I met at my internship want to help me produce it in hopes that it can be a calling card for all of our careers. I also want to travel to Italy after I graduate, among other places. That excites me the most. Basically, I’m looking forward to doing new and exciting things instead of being a student for once. I’ll be a student of life! (Cheesy, but true). I’m looking forward to this new chapter in my life, and I want to seize every opportunity that I can.

It’s kind of strange that I feel this way. Four years ago when I was a senior in high school I was stressed out and terrified because I didn’t know where I would be in a year. I knew I’d be in college, but I just didn’t know where. I guess I had/have issues with change, but I realize this and now try to embrace change. This year, as a senior in college I really don’t know where I’ll be in a year. I won’t be a student, but God-willing I’ll have a job in my career field. But I’m not as terrified as I was back then. I’m more excited than terrified, and it’s actually comforting to know that I’ve grown so much in the past four years. I guess I know deep down that I’m going to be ok and everything will work itself out. It’s also comforting knowing that I’ll have the support of my friends and family the entire time.

I hope everyone’s holidays have been as fun and reflective as mine were. Sorry to get all sentimental on ya, but that’s what the New Year is about—reflection. So, until next time…

Peace, kids!

It Was My (21st) Party and I Cried Because I Wanted To...

I turned 21 on September 17^th this year and it was pretty magical to say the least. I had grandiose plans of going to Vegas, but you know that green paper stuff that you trade for goods like gas and food and stuff? Well, I was running low on that. No biggie, I’ve been to Vegas a handful of times and it’s not that magical anymore. But I still wonder what it looks like through drunk eyes…  

Instead I decided to make the trip back home for my birthday. I was completely happy to have a nice dinner with my parents where I would legally order an alcoholic beverage for the first time, followed by a night of bar hopping with a few of my close friends.

The dinner was excellent. Tahoe Joe’s. I got a steak and some kind of Peachy martini thing. It was pretty good. And my mom got me a cupcake birthday cake in the shape of the Little Mermaid (my favorite Disney movie as a kid).

So awesome!

The bar hopping was more like bar plopping. We got to one bar and we stayed there for the rest of the night. It was just me and 4 of the best friends I’ve ever had (Megan, Brittany, April, and Dominic). I was wearing a 21^st birthday tiara courtesy of April, so I didn’t have to pay for any drinks. By the way, Long Island Ice Teas are the best and they fuck you up pretty quickly. So does a shot of patron, which was seriously the smoothest tequila I’ve ever tasted. No wonder rappers like it so much.

Britt, Me, April, & Meg

On the car ride home, I piled in the back of Britt’s car with April, Meg, and Dom. I was suuuuper drunk by this point, as were we all, and things got a little emotional for me. My friends proceeded to tell me how proud they were of me for chasing my dream, and being so independent, etc. I don’t remember what I said out loud, but I remember thinking, “Well… I’m gonna have to have a good cry when we get back to Meg’s." So that’s what I did.

I got back to Meg’s, changed into my pjs, told Ashole that I needed 5 minutes on the back porch by myself. Then and only then could Megan come check on me. So I went outside with a cup of water and just bawled my eyes out. I wasn’t sad. Nothing dramatic happened that made me sad. I just had a lot on my mind (see previous posts to get an idea.) On top of the family concerns in my life, I was thinking about how this is my last year in college, and all the other scary thoughts that go along with being an adult. Sometimes you just need a good cry.

It didn’t look like the waterworks were going to stop anytime soon, so my friends said goodbye and everyone got home safe thanks to Britt and Bruce (thanks for driving us Bruseph! And thanks, Britt, for providing the car aka Oprah). I stayed at Meg’s and she kind of listened to me talk/cry/slobber all over her couch. Even in a drunk-ass state, Meg really knows the heartfelt things I need to hear to make me feel better.

All in all, I’d say it was a successful 21^st birthday. I was surrounded by some of the most important people in my life and that’s really all I could ask for. Crying sucks, but that’s just the way things work sometimes. The next time I go drinking I’ll remember to cry before I get really drunk.   

**Side note: Ashole is only 19, so she couldn’t go to the bar with us.  :/